This is a parody. Please do not attempt to tweet using fire.
In his latest bold move, billionaire and Twitter overlord Elon Musk has announced that the next evolution of social media, ‘Twitter 3.0,’ will ditch digital communication entirely in favor of smoke signals. Citing an urgent need for “simplification” and “returning to humanity’s roots,” Musk declared that the transition will eliminate bots, trolls, and the last shreds of what was once known as ‘convenience.’
A Vision of the Future (By Going Way Backward)
Musk, known for pushing boundaries (and occasionally common sense), explained in a live-streamed monologue from his latest SpaceX launch pad that modern social media has “too much text, too many pixels, and an unhealthy dependency on electricity.” According to him, the best way forward is to embrace an ancient form of communication that requires nothing but fire, a blanket, and the right wind conditions.
“Twitter 3.0 will be the most secure social network ever,” Musk claimed. “No ads, no government surveillance, and best of all—no need for blue checkmarks because only those with actual survival skills will be able to use it.”
How It Works (Spoiler: It Doesn’t)
Instead of tweets, users will now need to set up bonfires and manually create smoke patterns to convey their thoughts. To facilitate the transition, Musk announced plans to mass-produce Tesla-brand ‘Signal Kits’—which, for only $899, include a pre-approved flammable substance, a blanket with the new X logo, and a manual that reads, “Just figure it out.”
“Think about it,” Musk continued. “No character limits. No shadowbans. Just raw, authentic, sky-based discourse. Want to reply to someone? Just light another fire. Want to block someone? Simply wait for a windy day.”
The End of Twitter Drama? Probably Not
Reactions to the announcement have been mixed. Some tech enthusiasts hailed Musk as a “visionary,” while others questioned the logistical nightmare of moderating hate speech written in smoke. Experts also warned that ‘Twitter 3.0’ could create an ecological disaster, with millions of users lighting bonfires just to tweet, “lol.”
Meanwhile, former Twitter employees—many of whom Musk fired in the great purge of ‘22—were seen frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles, with one ex-engineer posting: “Man, I really should’ve learned how to farm.”
What’s Next? Probably Cave Paintings
Despite backlash, Musk remains confident in his vision. When asked about long-term plans for ‘Twitter 4.0,’ he teased, “I’m thinking cave paintings. Maybe interpretive dance. Or better yet, telepathy. Stay tuned.”
As for those unable to participate in the smoke signal revolution, Musk reassured followers that carrier pigeons and messenger ravens would still be supported in Twitter 3.0’s premium tier—available for a modest $500 per month.
Until then, users are advised to stock up on firewood and practice deciphering puffs of smoke in preparation for social media’s most ambitious regression yet.
Disclaimer:
This article is a satirical piece and should not be taken as factual reporting. Twitter 3.0 does not (yet) rely on smoke signals, and Elon Musk has not announced plans to replace digital communication with bonfires. Any resemblance to real events, while possibly inevitable, is purely coincidental.
